So I've got an interview coming up in a few weeks. After months of applying and waiting , I finally get some payback. January was a month of constantly checking my email and voice mail, hoping that one of the schools that had requested letters was actually going to bite and ask me for an interview. I even woke up in the middle of the night, panicked that I had put my old office phone number on my CV. I rushed to school the next morning to check it out, and I hadn't. But then I couldn't decide whether I was relieved because there wasn't a potentially unheard message waiting for in the vacant office down the hall or disappointed because it confirmed that indeed noone had asked me for an interview.
So when the email came requesting dates I was available to interview I was ecstatic, jubilant, etc. It's a big school and a big name school and I'd be an incredibly lucky ABD to land the position.
But for the past few days I've felt the knot returning to my stomach. I am once again constantly checking my voice and email, hoping for another interview.
And I know why. It's a combination of things really. I have some concerns about the department (30 faculty and only 1 woman!), about the part of the country, and the nature of the search (reopened with no deadline). But I also feel like my whole future is riding on this one interview and I'd like to have another one for insurance. I've had a lot of people (okay, 3) tell me that it's nice to have more than one interview to work out the kinks and the nerves. But what if this is the only interview I get? I've had some problems with nerves and speaking before, what if I totally blow my job talk? What if they find out that I really am the impostor I sometimes feel like? What if they decide I'm just not a good fit?
Sure, I know there will be other job cycles. Sure, my advisor will find money for me to stick around for a while if I don't get anything lined up. Sure, I've got a few places I could still apply. Maybe a good post-doc will fall in my lap. But it doesn't stop the worry.
I could go on, but I'm not sure it would help. I'm not sure whether writing this post has eased or exacerbated my tension. I'm just not sure...